So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.