My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.