My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?