Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.