I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.