Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.