The more you know the less the better.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.