[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.