When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.