Try to live in a place you like.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

A fart is just your arse applauding.