If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?