I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.