Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I don't aim to offend.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

Try to live in a place you like.