Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.