Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.