Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.