It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!