A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.