A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Don't die until you're dead.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.