A fart is just your arse applauding.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.