A fart is just your arse applauding.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"