Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.