The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

I don't aim to offend.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.