I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Don't work out, work in.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.