I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?