I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.