Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.