Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.