I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.