The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."