The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.