The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?