If you give people a chance, they shine.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.