When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Try to live in a place you like.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.