When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?