I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.