I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.