I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.