I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.