I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.