I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.