Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.