Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.