I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.