I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?