I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.