I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

People are gonna think that MTV censored me, and they really didn't. I really wanted to try to make a show that didn't rely on offensive, edgy material because I think it was an exercise in trying to write without that. Because I see that as a crutch sometimes and I want to know that I can do something funny and worthwhile without that. And also make a show that my parents would like and that kids could watch with their parents.