I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?