I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.