I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.