I think no matter what you do, a certain amount of people are going to call you a sellout, somehow, you know. If I ever start trying to make a living on it.

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.