I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.