I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.