I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.