I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.