I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

Love is all about... whistles.

Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.