If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

When I see someone filming me, I don't usually think, 'No, man, don't put this up online!' I'd think, 'Hey man, you don't get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!' I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.