The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.