When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."