You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.