At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.