I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.