When you have a good time there is no time.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.