I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Valuable people are undervalued.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.