I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.