Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live but because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the satisfaction of his death.

The only thing I envy in young people is their livers.

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.

I'm a drinker with a writing problem.

All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.

A pedestrian ought to be legally allowed to toss at least one hand grenade at a motorist every day.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.