I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.

The only thing I envy in young people is their livers.

I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.

Other people's interruptions of your work are relatively insignificant compared with the countless times you interrupt yourself.

Prostitutes, more than any other profession, help keep American marriages together.

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.

Failure at a task may be the result of having tackled it at the wrong time.