If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.

I wanted to be a vet before I got into comedy, but then once I found out how much gore goes into that job, I wanted nothing to do with it.

I was such a weird kid. The really hardcore stuff like Venom - I was totally aware of them, and I listened to some of it - but they actually frightened me.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.