When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.