When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.