When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.