Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.