Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to shoot my weight.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

You always nag the one you love

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.